The Mother Of All Holidays
It's not my favourite...
Can I be honest?
Mother’s Day is not my favourite holiday.
Not by a long shot.
As a mother of four, it’s hard to admit. I feel ungrateful. But there’s so. much. pressure. And it starts as soon as the test comes back positive.
You’re not drinking coffee, are you?
Of course, you’re planning on breastfeeding?
What do you mean you’re not going back to work? And its flipside counterpart, you mean you’re going back to work?
How many children do you have? Just one? That’s kind of sad.
You have five? Oh boy! I guess you haven’t figured out how that works yet?
We haven’t even gotten to the years when everything your child does, whether it be good, bad, or indifferent, reflects on you.
And God forbid a woman chooses not to have children! Then there’s the age-old: you’ll never regret having children.
That one is probably true. After all, once you’ve fallen in love with somebody, it’s pretty freaking impossible to wish them away.
But back to the pressure.
The judgement is constant. Every decision you make adds a tally to one side of the board or the other.
You’re stopping at a respectable 2.3 children? Good mother.
You’re only having one or overdoing it at 5? Bad. Your children will either be desperately lonely or woefully neglected.
Every move you make is weighed and tallied.
I say, good mother, bad mother, be damned. Aim for the good enough mother.
That lady has her shit together.
She recognizes she’ll do or fail to do something at some point that will leave a psychological mark.
Because we all do.
She understands that her personhood requires nurturing. And that will claim some of her time, effort, and focus.
And she refuses to deny any so-called negative feelings surrounding motherhood. Acknowledging the downfalls and difficulties doesn’t make her ungrateful.
It makes her human.
There are pros and cons to having kids.
Maybe for you, like me, there was never a question of not wanting children. But after parenting for 29 years, I see the cons.
I’ve lived them.
For many, the issue is not so black and white.
Maybe you feel ungrateful because you got one but wanted six.
Maybe you’re overwhelmed because you planned for one and had twins instead.
Maybe you wanted a houseful of kids, but some have special needs that place extra stress on you and the family. You’re simply tired.
It’s not like you want to give any of them back, but you do sacrifice developing other aspects of yourself when you have kids.
I know I did.
If I may offer a bit of advice, celebrate your role as mother, but don’t let it wholly define you. It may be one of the most important aspects of your life, but it doesn’t need to be your entire life.
You were someone before you had children, and you’ll still be someone when they all fly the coop. Motherhood does not encompass all of who you are.
So, while we strive to accept and celebrate every bit of ourselves, the roles we play, and the multitudes we contain, this weekend we honour the mother in us, that part that spurs us to nourish gently and protect fiercely.
Just as those of us with children need not feel guilty taking time for other aspects of our personhood, those without children may claim that aspect we call mother as part of theirs.
I wish us all a judgement-free day.
That the moms might revel in being a good enough mother, one who takes time for herself and the things that bring her joy as a woman. That she sees herself as fully separate from her children and worthy of time and attention.
For the women who don’t have children, I wish you a day to celebrate your nurturing and fiercely protective side.
For the mother in all of us, may she know her place and revel in it among all that makes us whole.
Author Focus: Alexandra Hale!
I’m her boss. She’s off limits.
But fire, spice and nothing nice sounds like a challenge I’ve already accepted.
Wren Sterling is a one woman wrecking ball in my short term plan for surviving my time in Wintervale.
I shouldn’t even be here - this little detour courtesy of my brother’s inability to stay out of trouble and my father’s need to save face.
It’s fine. Temporary. Easy.
But there’s nothing easy about the way my body reacts every time Wren bursts into my office.
She’s fierce and passionate and drives me to distraction - a distraction I definitely cannot afford.
But the harder I fight it, the more I want to go all in. Because a woman like Wren Sterling comes around once in a lifetime and I have no problem being consumed by her flames.
And for a while - I was. But happiness in my world is fleeting.
My father made sure of that.
I just had no idea how fast I’d lost it all.
That’s it for me for now.
Live Messy, Love Madly!
Devin xo